Of the seven attitudes of mindfulness, understanding acceptance is arguably the most useful one to cultivate. And practicing mindfulness is a bit like gardening – you must prepare the soil, plant seeds, weed the ground and water the plants, if you want to enjoy the fruits and flowers.
Bringing the attitudes into your daily life is one way to keep up momentum, overcome lethargy and boredom, and keep your practice fresh and relevant to you.
Understanding acceptance – acknowledging the experience
When you practice acceptance, you acknowledge an experience, feeling or emotion just as it is. This does not mean you like it or are resigned to it. But you suspend the tendency to judge it as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Acceptance is about acknowledging your moment-to-moment experience, so if the word ‘acceptance’ puts you off, use ‘acknowledgement’ instead.
When you experience a painful sensation or difficult feeling, it is natural to try to avoid it. You might distract yourself or numb the problem. But short-term relief can translate into long term distress when avoidance tactics end up compounding suffering.
Accepting thoughts in meditation
For example, you are trying to meditate, and your mind will not settle. You then get annoyed and frustrated with yourself for not getting it right. This is an example of what Buddhists call ‘the second arrow’.
- First arrow – lots of thoughts intruding in meditation
- Second arrow – criticising yourself for having a mind that will not stop.
The second arrow effectively makes the first problem worse. The solution is to accept that getting distracted is part and parcel of the practice. And every time you notice, you are being mindful. Instead of criticising, try saying to yourself ‘thinking’, or ‘thinking is happening’.
Five ways to practice acceptance
- Learn to label – acknowledge what is happening without judging it. Gently putting a label on it, such as ‘I feel angry’, ‘my back hurts’, without getting caught up in whys and wherefores. If you find it difficult to acknowledge mentally, try writing it down.
- Tune in to your body – notice where you feel tight, tense, and direct your breathing into and out of the physical sensation. Remember you are not trying to change the sensation. If using your breath is too difficult to start with, just acknowledge the sensation, maybe say ‘I is OK, it is already here’. And as best you can, allow it to be.
- Turn towards – rather than trying to avoid or push away, try moving towards the feeling, leaning in, feeling it more fully. Again, if this is too much to start with, begin with the step of not avoiding. Notice what you normally do in response to the sensation or feeling and stop. Breathe, observe with kindness towards yourself, and take no action. Listen to the STOP practice in the guided audios for help with this.
- Score yourself out of 10 in terms of how well you accept your current thoughts or feelings (0 being don’t accept, 10 fully accept), then ask yourself what step you could take to move the dial one notch up. If nothing comes to mind immediately, that is OK. Give your mind space and time to work out some new options. By changing the pattern of your habitual reactions, you have already made progress.
- Get curious – ask yourself some questions. Where does this feeling come from? What colour is it? Where do I feel it? Is it hot or cold? Open or closed? Again, if you find it hard to acknowledge, writing things down can help you process the detail.
Give yourself space and time – you likely will find you do not have all the answers today. And that many problems exist in layers. And sinking down through these is a process, not an event. Accept that the journey is yours to go on, at your own pace, and congratulate yourself for every step.
Try the Power of Acceptance meditation, to help you practice. The meditation is 12 minutes long.
